The only place you're sure to find love is at the end of a letter from your mother.

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.

When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms.

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.