My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.

I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing.

The only place you're sure to find love is at the end of a letter from your mother.

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.

We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.