My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.

We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

The only place you're sure to find love is at the end of a letter from your mother.

When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'

You always nag the one you love