The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.

What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole?

My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.