On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.

You always nag the one you love

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.

When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.

I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing.