On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.

We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.

In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms.

The only place you're sure to find love is at the end of a letter from your mother.