Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

At the Sahara, the seats are banked and most of the audience is looking down at the stage. Everybody in the business knows: Up for singers, down for comics. The people want to idealize a singer. They want to feel superior to a comic. You're trying to make them laugh. They can't laugh at someone they're looking up to.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

If it's dirty, it's not funny, but if it's funny, it's not dirty.