We all know funny people who can't get it down on the page - even funny writers who can't get it down on the page.

Do my ears deceive me, or can I actually hear the sounds of worms turning? You say a turning worm makes no sound? But how about a chorus of turning worms?

Following the Rumanian tradition, garlic is used in excess to keep the vampires away... Following the Jewish tradition, a dispenser of schmaltz (liquid chicken fat) is kept on the table to give the vampires heartburn if they get through the garlic defense.

Once, in Lisbon, I tried my best to work the phone book in a way that would assuage a longing [Alice and I] had for certain Chinese dishes . . . .

I'm more disturbed when people expect me to be serious.

It was a given in our family that my father was a grocer so that I wouldn't have to be.

Every good idea sooner or later degenerates into hard work.