Math was always my bad subject. I couldn't convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.

We all know funny people who can't get it down on the page - even funny writers who can't get it down on the page.

I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still.

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

What campaigns are for is weeding out the people who, for one way or another, weren't making it for the long haul.

By the way, did you fellows know that a hummingbird weighs as much as a quarter? Do you think a hummingbird also weighs the same as two dimes and a nickel? But then she asked a question of her own: How do they weigh a hummingbird?

When it comes to rapacious 19th century capitalism, my family's hands are clean.