When someone reaches middle age, people he knows begin to get put in charge of things, and knowing what he knows about the people who are being put in charge of things scares the hell out of him.

The Banh Mi sandwich is really the only good argument for colonialism.

Everybody is who he was in high school.

Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty. If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?

Fairs are good places to eat, particularly for stand-up eaters--which is one of the kinds of eaters I am, although when I eat standing up away from home I sometimes miss the familiar cool breeze coming from the open refrigerator.

If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny.

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.