Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty. If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?

If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny.

Anybody who doesn't think that the best hamburger place in teh world is in his home town is a sissy.

As part of my research for An Anthology of Authors' Atrocity Stories About Publishers, I conducted a study (employing my usual controls) that showed the average shelf life of a trade book to be somewhere between milk and yoghurt.

If bumblebee leavings and stump paste are so good for you, why can't any of those guys (in the health stores) grow full beards?

When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better. A wise diner who is invited to visit the kitchen replies by saying, as politely as possible, that he has a pressing engagement elsewhere.

The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent.