I don't cook. I don't know anything about food. I've never reviewed a restaurant.

Being on a book tour is a lot easier than reporting.

If bumblebee leavings and stump paste are so good for you, why can't any of those guys (in the health stores) grow full beards?

The interesting thing about class warfare is that it's only class warfare if it's up, not down. If you talk about welfare cheats or something, that's not class warfare because it's down; you have to talk about rich people before it's class warfare.

Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucini, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucini restaurant in the first place.

Following the Rumanian tradition, garlic is used in excess to keep the vampires away... Following the Jewish tradition, a dispenser of schmaltz (liquid chicken fat) is kept on the table to give the vampires heartburn if they get through the garlic defense.

If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny.