If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn't get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.

Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes.

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?