If you want to know the feeling [of labor pain], just take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.

I was once asked to do my Tarzan yell at Bergdorf Goodman, and a guard burst in with a gun! Now I only do it under controlled circumstances.

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

People invite me to dinner not because I can cook, but because I like to clean up. I get immediate gratification from windex. Yes, I do windows.

I don't remember a time when I wasn't waiting for a scab either to grow or to fall off my knee.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

What I do when I write is I just write the way I would tell it, so it comes out just exactly the way I would talk to you.