My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'

I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.

Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee... Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.

Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one except the Lord."

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.

My kind of gay is like the late-breaking-lesbian kind of gay.