My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'

When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, 'I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive.' And six months later you're like, 'Lord, any mammal with a day job.

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.

I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.