Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm sorry I didn't have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I'm not participating anymore.

My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.

I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.

Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that.