You know what kills me about Jennifer Lopez? The fact that this woman wakes up one day and she's like, 'You know what? From now on, I'd like people to call me J-Lo,' and then they do it. Only a celebrity can get away with this. George Bush doesn't come out for his morning press conferences: 'From now on, I'd like to be referred to as G-Bu. Y'all know my vice president, Dog Chain.

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'

As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.

When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, 'I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive.' And six months later you're like, 'Lord, any mammal with a day job.

Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee... Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.

Like a lot of women, I'm bisexual. Once I have sex with you - bye!

My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention.