As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.

I'm sorry I didn't have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I'm not participating anymore.

Some people have their marriages annulled, which means they never existed. Boy, talk about denial! What do you say when people see your wedding album? 'Oh that was just some play I was in.

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon.

My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention.

When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.

Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.