As a kid, I always wanted to be Carol Burnett or Johnny Carson. I love to chat and entertain.

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

My father can not finish a sentence. When we were kids he would go, 'Girls the most important thing in life to remember is...' 'Daddy, what is it?' 'What's what, honey?' 'The most important thing in life to remember.' 'Oh, what's that?'

I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs... but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.

Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.

You can always tell when someone's lying to you, because they're male.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.