I have to go out for lunch and dinner because I can't cook. I need a woman to come and save me from my cooking.

I've always wanted to do a segment on a talk show. Jay Leno has been such a good friend, and if he would allow me, I'd have to get it all together, but I'd like to go on 'The Tonight Show' and do a set with no props. Or come out with a trunk and never touch it. Or come out with a clear trunk with nothing in it.

It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends.

People always want to put a label on you; they always want to compare you to something.

My real name is Scott Thompson. I could have gone by that name, but when I started doing comedy I thought I needed to go by something that has a little more of a hook.

People always say to me, Youre really attractive - in an unusual way. No one ever just says, Youre attractive.

Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.