I was voted funniest person in my middle-school yearbook. So I guess I was funny in middle school?

Paris is so beautiful. Mr. President, you should really think about going there sometime.

Let's give it up for the Secret Service. I don't want to be too hard on those guys. You know, because they're the only law enforcement agency that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot.

Hillary has her work cut out for her. Her Democratic challengers are a 'Who's Who' of 'who's that?' Jim Webb, Lincoln Chafee, Silas Phelps, Peter Wilks... now those last two were characters from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. You didn't even notice, did you?

I solemnly swear not to talk about Hillary's appearance, because that is not journalism.

Your hair is so white now it can talk back to the police.

What can I say about Brian Williams. Nothing, because I work for NBC.