Let's give it up for the Secret Service. I don't want to be too hard on those guys. You know, because they're the only law enforcement agency that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot.

I solemnly swear not to talk about Hillary's appearance, because that is not journalism.

I was voted funniest person in my middle-school yearbook. So I guess I was funny in middle school?

Your hair is so white now it can talk back to the police.

You have to put work into relationships to keep them fun.

Paris is so beautiful. Mr. President, you should really think about going there sometime.

I always feel the most validated and confident being around people that I find funny - having Fred Armisen laugh at a scene or Bill Hader or Seth Meyers give me a compliment.