Let's give it up for the Secret Service. I don't want to be too hard on those guys. You know, because they're the only law enforcement agency that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot.

Your hair is so white now it can talk back to the police.

The founders of Snapchat last year turned down a $3 billion offer from Facebook and a $4 billion offer from Google. It was a surprising show of integrity from the guys who invented the app that lets you look at pictures of boobs for five seconds.

I'm also the first straight woman to host this in 20 years, so, we finally made it, straight people.

I was voted funniest person in my middle-school yearbook. So I guess I was funny in middle school?

People have confused playing devil's advocate with being intelligent.

Let's give it up for the Secret Service. I don't want to be too hard on those guys. You know, because they're the only law enforcement agency that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot.