If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she's ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can't play a lick. Same thing.

Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself.

Well, when I went off to college, the guys I used to hang with were pumping gas and voting Democrat. Today they're still pumping gas and voting Democrat. Guess the Democrats didn't do much for them.

I don't believe athletes should be role models. . . . We're a one-shot deal, one in a million, so we should be the least likely role models. . . . I think one of the problems in society today is that we don't stress education enough, because we glorify athletes, actors and actresses.

I think anybody who is racist is an idiot whether they are black or white.

I read that heavy drinking is bad for your health. I decided I better stop reading.

Hey Steve, no offense, but if you couldn't shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive.