My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.

Most sportswriters don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

I was a Republican until they lost their minds

I came to the realization a couple months ago that I am fat. If you get tired from walking - and that's all that golf is - then you are officially fat.

I'm a mad dog whose only concern is winning.

If all babies are so cute, how the hell do we have so many ugly people in the world?

If I weren't earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people on the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming.