Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.

I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.