Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.

I think everyone's afraid of public speaking. There have been times where I've come out of my own show and been like, 'Oh, God, what am I doing?' . . . You have to remind yourself that 'OK, I'm kind of a badass. I can handle it.'

Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.