I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.

Let's all help each other be a little bit better at being human beings.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.

Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.