This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.

Let's all help each other be a little bit better at being human beings.

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.