Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.

I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?

That's the problem in my industry. Anyone can go and open a f - ing hotel. Anyone can go and buy a restaurant. It's not like a doctor or a lawyer, you need certain qualifications. That's the issue.