Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

We're not actors, we're people behaving like ourselves on TV. We're both [me and Gordon Ramsay] exactly who we are on TV. I don't think either one is an exaggerated version. You just have to be who you are.

We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.