Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

Absolutely I'm going to be talking about it, because it's in the zeitgeist and it's happening. It's an election year. It's the biggest election. Every election is a big election, so whenever anybody says that it kinds of grates me, but it's a fiasco. It's turned into a complete circus act, so of course you have to make fun of it, but responsible journalists definitely are being irresponsible. They're giving [Donald Trump] so much air time.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.