While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.