Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years.

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.