We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.

I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don't have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

I think everyone's afraid of public speaking. There have been times where I've come out of my own show and been like, 'Oh, God, what am I doing?' . . . You have to remind yourself that 'OK, I'm kind of a badass. I can handle it.'

Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.

I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.