Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.