The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.