I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you've already won.

Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.