I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan's next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He's a convicted drug dealer who's been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.