I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.