People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

Amy Winehouse's mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she's worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.