You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.

I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.

It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a woman, being on the road at these disgusting hotels. What girls want to do that? Gross guys want to do that. I think that the dearth in female comics is just the nature of the business, but there certainly isn't a dearth anymore, so I think it's just silly.

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.