Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.