He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.

I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.