I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.

A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.

Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.'