ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

People push my buttons, so I'm going to react.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.

It's also a terrible kind of sentiment [ reality TV] for children and for people. It makes people feel like they all want to be famous for no reason.