For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.