Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.

There's tons of information on the Internet, so if you type in cancer, they'll give you 15, 000 different options to get involved with cancer. It's very easy to get involved if you want to get involved, especially to volunteer your time.

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.