A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

There's a difference between watching a chef show, which doesn't feel like a reality show compared to the Housewives. Those shows can, I think, not only lower your IQ, but really just knock the wind out of you, because we're all here in this business.