I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me.

That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.