I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don't have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.

Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you're a stand-up comedian so they're always looking for somebody funny to host an event.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.