I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.