I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.