I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.