I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."