I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.