I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.