Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.