Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.