I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.