I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.