I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.